Love is stronger than hate
by xredSunburstx
Summary: The aftermath of the final episode in Season 2. Can't say much about it, because it is still progressing, it's just what came into my mind when I went and took a run after I saw the final. Let me know what you think and if i should continue.
1. When it all started

**Title**: Love is stronger than hate

**Author**: xredSunburstx

**Pairing**: Jane Rizzoli/ Maura Isles

**Rating:** K+ (we'll see what we need in the later chapters)

**Disclaimer**: The characters are not mine. No infringement intended. Also, I don't use a beta, so all mistakes are mine.

**Summary**:. The aftermath of the final episode in Season 2. Can't say much about it, because it is still progressing, it's just what came into my mind when I went and took a run after I saw the final**. Let me know what you think and if I should continue**.

**Song featured is a powerful song by PJ Harvey – Silence.**

_**All the best and take care**_

**Sun**

…

**Chapter 1 – When it all started**

„_Don't you dare to touch him!"_

_Her voice was harsh and angry, even hateful and it was more than Jane could bear. _

_Never Maura has sounded so dreadful and filled with hate, not if it came to Jane and not if it came to anyone. It was the moment she realized what she has done and immediately she hated herself for it, too. _

_A part of her, the cop, knew she has just done her duty. But the bigger part, the part who loved Maura more than anything else in the world, the part who looked into the hating hazel eyes who turned dark within painful and horrible seconds…. This part knew she had betrayed her. She had done … it was even too hurtful to think about it._

_When the shock finally sunk in she tried to save what she has done. She wanted to save Doyle, the man who she has called the sperm donor, but who has Maura's father after all. _

"_Please… let me help… what can I do?" She asked, her voice sounding raspier than usually and helpless. Helpless… she was helpless after all, bringing herself into a situation like this, because she could never muster to stop being a cop. _

_Maybe her being a cop would cost her friendship and she best thing she have had in her whole life._

"_BACK OFF! Don't pretend you are sorry and don't think I believe it. Don't think I believe you want to help him! YOU shoot him! YOU shoot my father! BACK OFF and leave. I never want to see you again!"_

That was when it all started… all the hurt, the grieving, the anger and the hate. And it was all Jane felt… felt about herself. She immediately left the crime scene, looking back, more than once. More than once she prayed that Maura would look up with forgiveness in her eyes and the same love and affection she always sees in them. She wished that she would look up and listen to her, trying to understand why she did it. But the problem was… Jane couldn't get it herself. She shouldn't have shoot him… she should have left him, because he already was hurt.

She should have done… anything else… but what happened was not something she could take it back, even she would do if she could… anytime. She would do anything to take it back.

But that was when it all started.

**All those places  
>Where I recall the memories<br>That gripped me  
>And pinned me down<strong>

**I go to these places  
>Intending to think<br>To think of nothing  
>No anticipate<br>**

This night she almost drunk herself to death, because she wanted and needed to feel something else than she pain she has felt after Maura's words. She wanted to feel something else than regret, grief and guilt and alcohol seemed the only thing to offer her those things. But not like she hoped. Nevertheless she stuck to that, stuck to the only remaining thing in her life, it seemed.

The next day and the day after that day she called in sick. And that was the truth. She was sick of herself and sick of everything else. Lying down in her bed, keeping the bottle near, seemed the only thing she could muster to do.

**And somehow expect  
>You'll find me there<br>That by some miracle  
>You'd be aware<br>**

A small part of herself still hoped that Maura would see that Jane wasn't at work and an even smaller part wished, hoped and begged that she would come around and look after her like she has always done. She wished that Maura would come over and talk to her, talk like they always used to do when there was something between them, a wall that seemed like neither of them could took down alone… but together.

**I'd risen this morning  
>Determined to break<br>The spell of my longing  
>And not to think<strong>

But she never showed up. Not after 2 days and not after a week. That was when Jane realized what really has happened. She has destroyed anything in her life.

Other people were calling her, people that still cared, but she never took a single call. She remained in her flat, wandering from her couch to her bed, if the guilt, that had captured her body, let her.

One day, Jane did not know when, because she did not count the days. Well, she counted the mornings to come and the nights to take her into an almost painful slumber, but she could not quiet remember how many days and nights have already passed.

So one day there was a loud knock on her door and all of her being, which was left by the guilt taking over, wished it was Maura. Finally, to save her from herself and this ugly rude monster, capturing her like never before.

Opening the door she realized it wasn't Maura, but her younger brother Frankie, who looked concerned as never before.

"Jane…" She looked him in the eyes, dark circles gracing hers, her once strong and powerful eyes looking numb and faint, she put herself together and said "Leave." As she tried to push the door shut behind her.

But before she knew he stood behind her, grabbing her arm, the door still open.

"What are you doing to yourself?"

"I'm doing what I deserve and what Maura thinks I'd deserve."

He frowned, shocked by what he saw in front of him. Bottles and used pizza paper backs filling the room and his sister, slender and terrible looking like never before.

"What are you talking about? Janie… please… We know what happened… it was awful for Maura… but she would never want you to do that to yourself."

"Really? She would not want me to do that?" she spitted out, feeling the alcohol in her body heating up her system. "If she would care she would have called or come over at least. But you know who truly cared? The Maura before would have cared… not the Maura now, after a stupid woman shot her father and her last remaining chance to find out who her mother is. So you know what… she does not care about me and I do not care about me wither. So fuck off, Frankie, would you?" She lied down on her couch, not facing him, but facing the half drunk bottle of beer in front of her.

"You know what, Janie. You are too stubborn and stupid doing what you do. I'll leave now, but I'll come back, because there are people who love you and who care about you. We won't let you do that to yourself." It was the last thing he said, before he turned around.

"But I don't want to have you or anyone else here. Ever again."

It was the pain, mixed with alcohol speaking there, but she couldn't contain herself from spitting it out, thinking she did not deserve to be cared about.

The only person who she wanted to care about her now never wanted to see her again, so why should she still care about herself?

**I freed myself from my family  
>I freed myself from work<br>I freed myself  
>I freed myself<br>And remained alone**

**Silence  
>Silence<br>Silence  
>Silence <strong>

And that was when it all started.


	2. There's still a chance after all

**Chapter 2 – There's still a chance after all**

Nine days have passed, an eternity.

It was a cold and freezing morning when she decided to find out how long she had stayed in this dreadful state.

Nine days… Nine long and horrible days she has been drinking, trying to sleep, crying and staying away from her work… hiding.

It took her nine whole days to stand up and do something else than walking from her bed to her couch and back, ordering the same pizza and drinking as much as her body could take before she was passing out again.

Nine days in which she thought about all the wrong decisions she has made in her life, persons she could not save, criminals she has killed, the pain she went through because of her job… because of monsters like Bobby and Hoyt and on top of all how she has lost Maura by shooting her father.

Nine days in which she wondered what was worth putting one foot in front of the other, going on when her life felt that miserable.

It took her nine days to enter the bathroom and take a look in the mirror and what she saw in front of her terrified her.

This wasn't… couldn't be the woman she used to be…. Strong, independent, funny, witty, smart… cool and loveable.

This wasn't Jane Rizzoli she saw there. It was a slender, too slender, dark haired woman with dark circle under her almost black eyes, featuring her oh so pale skin. It was a woman who smelled like every freaking pub in Boston, all together.

After minutes, that took her to realize it was herself looking back she vomited until there was nothing left in her stomach. After that she stood up, feeling like she was about to fade, ordered another pizza, which should be the last in an eternity and she took a shower.

She took a shower not only to clean her body, but also her soul. She let the hot water wash away all the self-harm and self-hate for a moment. She washed away the alcohol addicted shell of herself and she let her tears intermingle with the hot pearls which were running down her firm features.

She had to do something and she had to do it now. Not till then she would be able to do the next step. To make one she believed would be her only possibility.

….

When she entered the white and warm room after asking the nurse if Gabriel Dean was still here she immediately asked herself why exactly she was here and why she wanted to talk to him. She wasn't in love with him, she she'd have been she had not spent the last days at home, suffering, but being at this side holding his hand.

But somehow she felt; though not loving him, that she owned him that, after all he was the one being shot.

Shortly after entering the room and closing the door behind her he looked up, smiling her way.

"Jane!" He called out her name, forcing her to come nearer.

"Gabriel." His name sounded so formal coming out of her mouth… sounding like she has never been intimate with him before.

"It's good to see you, even though I wondered why it took you nine days to show up. I hoped you would be there when I wake up, but I believed you were busy."

"Yeah. I was." She said, only half lying.

She has been busy. Busy with herself and busy with staying alive when the guilt almost pulled her under and drowned her.

"But I wasn't busy enough to not show up." Truth sneaked out and Jane asked herself it was always a good thing to tell the truth.

His eyes changed, he frowned, looking hurt.

"What do you mean?"

Her hands found the way to her hair and she tried to find the right words.

Maybe it wasn't fair to say all of that right now, but what he deserved was an explanation after she slept with him, but did not show up when he was shot.

"Maybe it's the wrong time, because you are still recovering, but I think you should know. You should know before I leave. Everything else would be unfair… I'm mad at you, Gabriel. I can't tell you how much… I did not have your back when I needed it. You did not listen to me and I'm mad you ignored my wish. You simply ignored what I asked you to… you ignored the most important to me… I asked you one thing and you showed up, though. A part of me hates you for that and I don't think it'll ever forgive you. So… I don't think we'll ever work out… I'm sorry…"

He gulped, hard. He thought he was doing the right thing, helping her, protecting her, not realizing what did and how much he destroyed.

Jane thought that maybe without him being there, shooting Doyle and get shot things would have turned out differently. Even if she never liked Maura's sperm donor… it was her dad after all and he has saved her. So how could she hate him?

"You'll leave?" He only managed to ask.

She avoided his gaze. "Yes. I'm leaving town."

"How long you'll be away?" He asked, still hoping that maybe they'd have a chance after all. Maybe some time would need to pass by until they could finally be.

"Maybe forever."

She said, meeting his eyes, seeing how shocked he looked, but she did not care… standing up this morning she felt miserable, asking where her life would go from now on and realizing there was nothing left for her to loose and no reason to stay, except of her family and her colleagues.

But in nine days she managed to do what other couldn't in a life time.

She has pushed everyone she truly cared about away and the person she cared about and loved the most… hated her.

"Goodbye, Gabriel." She said, turning around and never looking back.

There was no reason to stay. Not in this room and not in Boston.

…..

Sometimes you decide things, you spit them out in anger and despair, though you don't mean it that way. And you feel like you can never take it back again.

You are too angry to do so, too hurt to take it back, without realizing how much you hurt the other person involved… and how much you hurt yourself.

Maura hated Jane without really hating her. She was mad, but not angry. What she was has been caused by shock and immeasurable disappointment. Never in her life she would have thought Jane would choose being a cop, doing what she thought were right in special moments… She chose to be a cop, over her… over their friendship and their special connection.

She did not just shoot Maura's biological father… she also shoot Maura right into the heart by doing so and something broke down.

Something hurt so much about this act that Maura believed it could never be mend.

Yes there were more things why she was mad. Jane… one thing was why Jane willingly and without thinking throwing away what they shared.

She promised herself to hate her and never talk to her if their job did not make it necessary, even though it was not what she wanted.

She wanted and needed Jane more than anything else… right now… and always.

But she was too hurt, too mad, too… anything… that she could not forgive her even if she wanted to.

But she realized pretty soon that her body and her heart react to things your mind doesn't.

You are able to betray your mind sometimes, but not your heart.

Her heart ached, most of the time, but over all and just more when she thought of Jane.

Tears left her eyes when she thought about the situation even though she demanded them not to.

And when she heard Frankie talking to Korsak about Jane her heart stopped beating for a moment…

It has been four days. For days since… since she shoot him. Four days after she made it clear to her best friend that she did not want to keep her in her life anymore. Four days in which she did not see Jane. Four long days…

It was lunch time when she walked up to the office in which she used to see Jane sitting at her table. Hearing Frankie's voice made her stop in her tracks, not wanting to meet an angry Rizzoli.

But his voice was far away from sounding angry, but concerned and worried like she has never heard him before.

"I've told you, Korsak. It's worse than I've expected it to be… not with Hoyt she has been that way… She did not let any of us in, but she did not pushed us away either… and there was Maura who were the only one she let see how she truly felt. Now I think she'll destroy herself if she keeps going like that… She almost drinks herself to death and she does not answer our phones or opens the door when we want to talk to her. It's like she is punishing herself for what happened… and if she keep drinking like that… Korsak… I hate to admit it… but I'm scared to death…"

In this moment she wanted to do nothing else than forgiving Jane, forgetting about what has been, quitting work for the day and driving to Jane's flat to be there for her… to tell her how sorry she has been to make her feel that way and how much she wanted to talk through it with Jane. Letting out her anger, her hurt and her disappointment… but though…working through it… with her best friend… finding a way.

But she did not let her heart speak.

…..

Days after that… it have been 11 days… Maura counted the days since she last saw Jane, even though she would never allow herself to admit that she still… cared. She sat in her office, going through paper work, trying to distract her mind from everything that has been, when Korsak stormed into the room, looking furiously, anger flashing up on his usually calm and friendly features.

"Why? Why couldn't you normally talk to Jane about all of this?"

Maura looked up, frowning. Why did he want to talk about it after eleven days? Why now?

"I don't think it is your right to middle into this. It was my choice and I think it was the right thing after what she has done back there. She shouldn't have done it."

Her explanation did not seem to be enough for him. It seemed to make him angrier at some point.

"You know… maybe you are right. Maybe it was a mistake, a wrong decision to make, but… you know what? This is crap! What you are doing and what she is doing! You avoid talking about it and she is running away! Do you think it is that easy throwing away a friendship like that? I'd have thought better about you, doctor. All of that because you couldn't talk. What happened was miserable… but the result is just worse…"

He rambled, hopelessly and worried. Jane was like a daughter to him… Jane was more than a colleague and the thought of loosing her and never seeing her again terrified her. And all of that… all what happened between the two women made him sad; because he knew how much they cared about each other… he would even call it… love.

"What are you talking about?" Maura suddenly asked, listening to him, without getting the point. What did he mean with running away? Jane not showing up at work certainly wasn't running away, but hiding. There were a lot of things she could not get in Korsak's behaviour.

"She is leaving. You knew that? She is leaving Boston. Without saying a word."

"When?" Maura asked, her heart pounding furiously in her chest.

It was 6 o'clock in the evening. She would not leave today. Would she?

"No one of us knows. We tried to reach Angela or Frankie… but we couldn't get through to them… She could be away the time we are talking right now."

Maura looked into his eyes, dumbfound and terrified at the thought of loosing her. Yes, she has pushed her away, but this was more… this was more than she had ever imagined to happen.

…..

Jane sat down, looking down at the beer in front of her. Desperately she wanted to drink it down, as the thoughts of her happy times with Maura haunted her. She did not want to forget, but she needed to, because it was tearing her up. She has called her mom and Frankie, telling them what she has decided, because she knew she would not be able to face them and she might change her decision when she'd tell them face to face.

Right now there was nothing she could do, but leaving. Maybe some day she would come back to Boston, after the wounds have healed… after some time passed by. But right now…

When the thoughts and memories of Maura came back and the harsh and hateful words that reached her ears 11 days ago she gripped the beer and took a long gulp.

Everything was different… the best thing was gone and it'd never come back…

**Please could you tell me**

**Could you tell me the truth**

**I can take it,**

**Because you are the most important thing in my life**

**We have to talk**

**And find the way out**

**I'm able to forgive**

**But I know… you just can't…**

**I wanna turn back time**

**We'll start over again**

**Every moment and memory is worth it**

**I wanna turn back time**

**And I strongly believe…**

**We're not good right now…**

**I can hear them talk**

**But it's not their concern**

**I could swear**

**They never thought something like that could happen to us**

**I just want to know **

**If you feel the same way…**

**I'll be missing you**

**I'll be missing you**

**Cause you make my life a better place**

**I just wanna turn back time**

Suddenly the knock on the door made her spine tense up and she almost wanted to ignore it again, but if it was Frankie… or Angela… she should open up and talk to them… after all it was her family and she loved them. But when she opened the door she stopped breathing. Never in her life had she thought it would be here… She thought she'd leave Boston without seeing her… ever again.

She wanted to hug her, touch her… she wanted to cry and she even wanted to kiss her… so much ached her heart.

But instead she simply stood there, saying out her name, barely over a whisper.

"Maura…"

The blond, and over all beautiful woman, looked directly into her eyes, but she could not find a sign of forgiveness… love or friendship. She could not find anything there.

Maura did not say anything, so they stood there for minutes, because Jane feared to say something. Scared to cross a border, even though she wanted to break down in front of her, crying, telling her how sorry she was and how much she regretted what she's done.

Instead she waited for her to speak up, almost bursting.

"You should stay." Maura simply stated, without showing any emotion. It almost tore Jane's heart apart, but it also meant more than she could bear.

"Why should I stay? I know what I have done an after all what has been in the past… you can't work with me and I can't see you without hating myself and feeling…torn up. I don't see a reason to stay."

She said, her voice sounding raspier than usual and the pain was not to ignore.

"I might never be able to forgive you. I'm too hurt and mad. I feel betrayed. I won't say that I've not hated you the last days for what you did, because I did…"

Tears filled Jane's eyes, but she could hold them down. She could not cry, because she wasn't the hurt one… Maura wasn't the one who shoot her father and choose her job over her best friend.

"But I'd never want you to leave. That might be a reason to stay." Maura said looking into her eyes deeply, just before she turned around and walked away. She left Jane back… once again… but this time she left her a something important… something Jane needed to stay.

Hope.

She could not go away to punish herself and she could not run away.

Maybe she had to forgive herself before Maura could do the same.

But there was a chance… There was still a chance after all…

The chance that love is stronger than hate.


End file.
